Chagrined

Well. Here we are. Exactly 17 weeks have passed since my last post and I have a beautiful, perfect, absolutely amazing almost-15-week old boy (I started this post when he was 12 weeks, I feel compelled to point out .) Since I last wrote, I’ve gotten through the insanity-inducing final weeks of pregnancy, given birth in what I’m lucky and happy to report was a remarkably smooth and quick delivery, endured the dazed-and-confused first few weeks of a new baby in the house, gotten more and more comfortable in my new role, burned through 12 weeks of maternity leave in an effing FLASH, gone back to work, adapted to an entirely new daily and weekly routine, and fallen more and more in love with this little booger every single day. I feel terrible for not having chronicled anything, not even a photo, of his first three months of life here in this space. It became one of those things where the expectations I was setting for myself, in terms of what my first post as a new mom had to “be”, that I kept psyching myself out. Instead of just sitting down to type out a quick thought, anecdote, etc. Life has changed in ways great and small, as I knew it would, as everyone tells you it will. But I’ve been remiss in posting because I simply didn’t/don’t know if I have the words to adequately describe everything I’m feeling:

Blessed: That is it, quite simply. I don’t know what we did to deserve such a perfect and beautiful and happy little guy to spend our lives fawning over, but whatever it was I know I am and we are truly blessed.

Proud: The winter was tough. I just wanted to take the little guy out and about and show him off for all the world to see. See this adorable little thing? I get to take him home with me! And cover his tiny warm head in hundreds of smooches every day! And snuggle him! And touch his teeny little toes! And share smiles with him! And love love love him to bits! Alas, the thrice weekly blizzards we got around here throughout January and February and even part of March made that kind of shameless baby-flaunting a little trickier. I’m also proud because dangit if we’re not doing a pretty decent job, it seems. Granted he does seem like an incredibly easy baby by all accounts (knocking wood and counting lucky stars), but it’s nice to feel like you are doing everything you can to foster a nurturing, calm, happy, serene, doting environment for a little person to grow and thrive in.

Disbelieving: Sometimes I still almost forget that I’m a parent. Like I’ll look at him and realize ‘oh wait!’ And yes, I’ll admit it, there have been a handful of occasions when he’s been either napping or playing happily on his play mat, and I’ll turn on a program that I’ve DVR’d, or grab myself a mit-full of Easter candy, or tackle the pile of dishes in the sink, or any number of things I used to do without even thinking twice, and I’ll get so lost in those tasks, of the feeling of having a few seconds of time back on my terms, that I’ll *almost* completely forget he’s there. Don’t call CPS on me yet! It’s nothing that lasts more than a fleeting moment, but it is funny to contrast “mom mode” with my old self-serving self, and the occasional snippets of time when the latter is trying hard to sneak back in.

Scared: Mommywriter recently said this best. The most intense love seems to be accompanied by the most intense fear that something someday will separate you from the ones you love. I’d like to get a better handle on those feelings and the amount of time I allow such thoughts to creep in. I’ve always been predisposed to this type of thinking, but it’s significantly amplified since having the boo-boo bear, aka the boog, aka Smiles Davis, aka Smiley Coyote, in my life.

Inspired: I just want to do the right thing, the good thing, all the time. Sure, I think I’ve always been a decent person, but he really does force me to check some of my less desirable qualities at the door and work on bringing better qualities to the forefront.

Anxious: Time is moving too fast! Am I adequately capturing all the memories? Oh my god, get the camera! Is it better to live in and try to fully appreciate the moment, or to try to make sure every last milestone is recorded for posterity? I don’t know. On his three-month birthday I posted a picture on Facebook, and the caption was something like “sad the tiny baby phase is ending but thrilled to watch him grow.” And that really does accurately sum up my feelings. Those early days were such a blur of exhaustion, excitement, cluelessness, visitors, physical discomfort, bliss, that I feel like it was so long ago, and yet…15 weeks is not that long. Already he’s grown and changed so much, there’s a little part of me that wants to keep him in newborn-sized clothes forever. Already we’ve seen so many milestones like smiling, making definitive ‘verbal’ sounds, holding his head up, being able to turn it freely, grabbing and holding objects, moving from sleeping nowhere but on us, to in between us, to the bouncer seat, to now several-hour stretches at a time in his own crib, putting things near/in his mouth, graduating out of the teeny tiny newborn clothes that I swore he’d be too big for at birth but which were still too big for him for weeks, from newborn to size 1 to just this week size 2 (!) diapers, being able to sit upright if supported, outgrowing the positioner in the car seat…and we’re right on the cusp of bigger ones like rolling over (so close), sucking thumb, it’s all so exciting but also so anxiety-inducing because you can’t help but want to stop time a little bit in order to keep living in those moments. Thank God each new phase comes with its own reward, or else I think I’d really be sad. But the thought of him being able to hug or kiss us back, say our names, and start really laughing with us is enough to offset the anxiety.

Lucky: Wow, having a baby certainly makes you realize how many amazing people you have in your life. The well wishes, the support, the visits, the notes, the cards, the gifts, the meals … it’s almost overwhelming. I will confess that up until now, I never really knew/understood what a big deal it is to just up and bring a teeny new member of the family home from the hospital – just in terms of the momentousness and emotion and impact of it all, so I think perhaps I’ve been a bit blasé in the past when it comes to my own reactions to other people’s babies, I’m sorry and a bit ashamed to say. Luckily for me, what you reap is not necessarily what you sow in that regard, because we’ve just been bowled over by the generosity of spirit, of time, of wallet, from everyone around us. Old and dear friends have simply reinforced why they’re old and dear friends … newer friends have been made better friends … family relationships have been strengthened. People have driven distances and flown hundreds of miles and taken precious, scarce weekend time out of their own schedules and away from their own families to come see us and meet baby B. We feel wonderfully lucky indeed. And to any of you out there that might be reading, please know this … we are thankful beyond words.